22 Best Schmidt Quotes from “New Girl”

Whether you’re a New Girl fan or not, no one should go without their daily dose of Schmidt.


While the douchebag-jar may be almost entirely funded by Schmidt’s eyeroll-inducing one-liners, there’s really nothing that can get in the way of our love for what we like to call “Schmidt-isms.” Whether you’re a fan of New Girl or not, no one should go without their daily dose of Schmidt. So, ladies and gentlemen, we present to you Schmidt’s 22 Best Quotes (according to us).

1. “Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.”

2. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.”


4. “I don’t celebrate Christmas, or as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’ “


6. “I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number by just randomly choosing numbers.”

7. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.”


9. “Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is is this, prison?”

10. “Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.”


12. “Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.”

13. “I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.”


15. “Can someone please get me my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.”

16. “Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?”


18. “Old people freak me out, with their hands and legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”

19. “This place is a cardigan gold mine!”


21. “Where have you been? I’m having a major life crisis here, and you guys are - what? - just driving around French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?”


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